Best joke writer in the business. I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer. But no one will do it. When I was a little kid, I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. Then one summer, I went away to camp. While I was gone at camp, the turtle died. When I got home, my dad lied to me. He said, 'Anthony
Women in their early 40's have the sex drive of a fucking 18-year-old man. Woooo! She's getting fucked right now! Look around the room. You see a woman in her early 40's and a man of the same age sitting next to her? That man is holding on for dear life. That man is looking for as much vitamin E as he can find. That man does not swallow Viagra. He
I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime and fuck you up wherever she was aiming. Was bad with that shoe. She would like carry that shit like a gun. By the time I was like ten, my mother would like Clint Eastwood with a shoe. And you fuck up, my mother walking in the room was like... (whistling sound, mimicking a bullet r
What are you signing right now? I didn't even say anything. I didn't even say anything. You just making up shid. She's going rogue, doing her own show. She's going to leave, like, Matt Rife did a lot of racist jokes, and it didn't come from me at all.
LAST TIME I GOT REALLY HIGH, I WAS AT AN ACDC CONCERT. AND ABOUT AN HOUR INTO IT, I REALIZED I WAS STANDING IN A FIELD LISTENING TO MY IPOD. KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? A SCARECROW SOLD ME TICKETS. GOT SOME CLAPPERS DOWN FRONT. I HOPE YOU GOT GOOD SEATS. WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS, I'M NOT ALLOWED TO VOTE. I VOTED ONCE. I WAS IN THAT LITTLE BOOTH, AND I G
Part 1. I find comedy in everything. Okay. Now there are times that I want to be serious and comedy finds me. Perfect example. Went to a wake. Not a place for comedy. Although the lady that saw me walk in didn't think that. As soon as I walk in, 'Oh my God, oh my God, I love you. What are you doing here?' I'm performing. What do you think I'm doing
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